How to Know You’ve Done Enough to Try to Save Your Marriage
There comes an inflection point in many marriages, especially when couples counseling hasn’t worked. Up until now, your energy has been aimed at saving the relationship — having hard conversations, asking for change, sitting in therapy sessions. But eventually, you may start to realize: these efforts probably aren’t going to fix what’s broken.
And yet, divorce may still feel like a long way off.
So what do you do in this in-between period? This is where the focus has to change.
Instead of making the continuation of the marriage your top priority, the goal becomes different: to do everything you can reasonably expect of yourself so that five or ten years from now, when you’re explaining to your kids why you got divorced, you can stand tall and say, “I gave it my best.”
Ironically, this shift often serves both paths.
If the marriage is beyond repair, your efforts increase your emotional readiness for separation. And if the marriage can still be healed, these same efforts create the conditions for a new kind of connection.
This is where discernment counseling comes in.
Unlike traditional couples counseling, which assumes both partners are working to repair, discernment counseling begins by acknowledging that the relationship is at a crossroads. It’s not about “fixing” so much as clarifying: Where are we really going from here?
Often, once the word divorce has been spoken aloud, it creates permission for a different kind of honesty. Things that were left unsaid finally come into the room. You begin asking your partner to truly step into your shoes — to feel what hasn’t been working for you. And yes, you have to do the same for them.
Sometimes, the weight of this conversation is exactly what’s needed to break through denial. If I don’t want to lose this, I need to really pay attention.
When I work with men at this stage, I often tell them: my job is to give you options.
You’re considering divorce because you can no longer see a path from where you stand now (pain) to where you want to be (peace). But there are always options — they’re just hidden from view.
My role is to help you see them, and to put you back in the ring again and again until the truth becomes clear. If a new path toward repair opens, we walk it. If not, the process moves you closer to acceptance and readiness for divorce.
Eventually, one of two things happens: you find yourselves reconnecting, or you look me in the eye and say, “James, I can’t do it anymore. I’m done.”
And in that moment, you’ll know. Not with guilt, not with regret, but with the confidence that you tried.
Knowing you’ve done enough isn’t about certainty. It’s about clarity. It’s about honoring your effort, your values, and your family — so that whatever decision you make, you can live with it in peace.
“The very season that feels like it’s breaking you is the one that’s shaping you.”
The truth is, navigating this stage isn’t easy. It’s painful, confusing, and often lonely. You don’t have to figure it out on your own. If you’re ready for clarity — whether that means discovering a path back to repair or finding the strength to step toward divorce — this is exactly the work I do with men in my divorce coaching practice.
👉 Book a free Divorce Clarity Call with me and take the next step toward confidence in your decision.
👉 Read Part 6: What It Means to Lead Your Marriage Through a Crossroads
