3 Shifts Any Man Can Make When He Feels Stuck in His Relationship
When a marriage feels stuck, it’s tempting to look across the table and point the finger: If only she would stop complaining… If only she’d give me more sex… If only she’d respect my boundaries…
I get it. You’re in pain. You’re frustrated. Maybe you’ve been carrying that weight for a long time. But here’s the hard truth: unloading on your partner about how she’s falling short rarely leads anywhere good. What it does create is defensiveness, escalation, and more distance.
So what can you do instead? Here are three shifts I see men make that change the game.
Shift 1: From “She’s the Problem” to “This Is Our Pattern”
One of the biggest breakthroughs comes when a man stops pointing at his partner and starts naming the pattern instead.
This isn’t about “me vs. you” — it’s about “us vs. the problem.” When you frame the issue as something that affects the relationship, not just you, it creates the possibility of collaboration instead of combat.
David Deida, in The Way of the Superior Man, reminds us that the feminine grows through appreciation, while the masculine grows through challenge. When you criticize or complain, you’re treating your partner like a man — challenging her to grow by pressure. But that usually backfires. A better move is to appreciate what you want to see grow, while naming where the connection between you feels blocked.
That subtle shift can soften the ground for change.
Shift 2: From Blame to Relational Leadership
Complaints don’t create connection. Leadership does.
And leadership here doesn’t mean domination or control. It means developing the skills that move your relationship from chaos back to connection:
Deep listening
Empathy
Reflection and validation
Healthy boundaries
A vision for the future you want to build together
This doesn’t come naturally to most men. It’s a skill set — one worth practicing.
John Wineland, in his teaching on relationships, encourages men to see their partner’s criticisms — as painful as they may be — as mirrors. Often, our blind spots are reflected most clearly in her frustration. A friend of mine often says, “If it stings when she says it, it’s because there’s some truth in it.”
When you stop resisting and start asking, What is this showing me about myself?, you step into leadership.
Shift 3: From Too Many Conversations to One at a Time
Here’s a pattern almost every couple falls into: you bring up something that’s bothering you, and she immediately fires back with what’s bothering her. Or she criticizes you, and you defend yourself with facts and data. Before you know it, you’re in five arguments at once — and getting nowhere.
The shift here is simple, but not easy: stay with one experience at a time.
When she shares something that’s weighing on her, resist the urge to withdraw into your own hurt or jump in with your counterpoint. Stay with her. Listen. Let her know you understand what it feels like from her side.
And when it’s your turn to share, don’t let her hijack the moment with her own counterpoint. Stay present with your own experience.
This takes practice — noticing it in real time, pausing, and returning to the one conversation you’re actually in. But when you do, something remarkable happens: she feels heard. And when she knows you understand, she has more patience for the changes that take longer to come.
Most couples believe they have to solve every big issue for their marriage to survive. That’s not true. What matters most is whether you can communicate clearly about the problems, and whether you can experience them — even briefly — from each other’s perspective.
That alone can shift the atmosphere. And once a problem is truly seen, it can finally be worked with.
“Most couples fight about nothing. The fights are about the failure to connect around something real.”
The truth is, these shifts aren’t easy to make on your own. If you’d like guidance in learning how to identify patterns, lead with clarity, and create new ground with your partner, this is exactly the work I do with men in my divorce coaching practice. You don’t have to figure it out alone.
👉 Book a free Divorce Clarity Call with me and take the first step toward leading your relationship with strength and confidence.
👉 Read Part 5: How to Know You’ve Done Enough to Try to Save Your Marriage
